Jokes Thread

[Taipan]

If you need your cat charging, get down to Morrissons...

[Taipan]

[Horse]

305146455_1750294425369584_5212430070131085911_n.jpg (126.99 KiB) Viewed 345 times

[Horse]

Who nicked my wheelbarrow?

[Felix]

Who nicked my wheelbarrow?

[Horse]

That picture is one of those things that will keep on giving.

[gremlin]

That picture is one of those things that will keep on giving.

In fairness, not much time to practice.

[Horse]

That picture is one of those things that will keep on giving.

In fairness, not much time to practice.

I wonder how much of her anti-monarchy thoughts were in her mind still? Internal dialogue of:
Curtsey
Don't you fuggin dare
Curtsy, do it, bend those knees
No you fuggin don't - keep 'em straight! Give him the death stare!
Aaargh knees bending ... hard ... have .. to ... concentrate ... must look ... elegant...
Well that's a fuggin *fail*, then
Lucky no-one had a camera
Luckily I got the death stare in when you were worrying about your knees

[Felix]

[Horse]

20220915_120436.jpg (148.89 KiB) Viewed 204 times

[Felix]

20220915_120436.jpg

Im sure you will find a lot more to be offended at in this thread

viewtopic.php?t=276

[Taipan]

[Horse]

20220915_120436.jpg

Im sure you will find a lot more to be offended at in this thread

viewtopic.php?t=276

Who said I was offended?

Anyway, rumour is that Scottish schools are opening again now he's back in London

[Dodgy69]

[KungFooBob]

So there's a farm and on this farm are a horse, a cow and a chicken..
They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and he says to the guy on the phone, "Hey, listen. I wanna learn to play guitar."

Guy on the phone says "no problem. Come on down."

"No, there might be one problem. I'm a horse."

"Naw, it ain't a problem. We'll get some attachments, I can teach you to play. Promise."

So horse turns out to be a natural. He gets GOOD. And he calls over Cow and Chicken and he's like "LOOK WHAT I CAN DO" and he jams out like Jimi Hendrix. And Cow says "holy shit. That's awesome. I want to learn to do something like that too. What's like that?" And horse says "Bass. Learn to play bass."

So Cow calls up Guitar Center, and she says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play bass guitar."

Guy on the phone says "No problem, miss, come on down."

"Eh, this might be a problem. I'm a cow."

"Nah, no problem. I helped a horse recently, I can teach you to play too. Promise."

So Cow learns to play the bass, and Cow is fucking amazing at it. So Cow and Horse are jamming, and Chicken gets a bit jealous. He says "Damn, I wanna learn something too. But not like that."

Horse says "Well, I mean, we need a drummer around here."

So Chicken calls up Guitar Center, and he says "Hey, listen, I wanna learn to play drums."

Guy on the phone says "No problem, man. Come on down."

"Eh, maybe a problem. I'm a chicken."

"Naw. Ain't no thing. I taught a horse guitar and a cow bass. I can teach you drums."

So chicken learns the drums, and he's fucking amazing. So Cow, Horse, and Chicken all start having jam sessions whenever the farmer's out. And one day they're playing, and a big record agent is driving down the road. And he hears them, and he's like "what the fuck? that sounds amazing." so he stops at the farm, and he finds them all playing in the barn. And he says "Holy shit. You guys sound AWESOME. I wanna represent you, make this a real band, make some music. You're gonna be HUGE."

So Cow and Chicken and Horse take this guy's deal, and they move to the city, they cut albums, and they're big. REAL big. Top 10 hits, platinum albums, the works. They get set for their first tour. But there's a problem, see. Horse gets a phone call, his mom's real sick. Cow and Chicken, though, they're cool as hell. They say "Listen. Go see your mom. We'll delay the first show a couple of days, so fly back home, spend some time with her, and then jump on a plane and come meet us."

Horse says "Thanks, guys. you're the best," and he takes off.

Couple of days later, Horse's mom is just fine. Turned out to be a real bad cold, she gets over it, and he spends another night there. The following morning, he gets a call. It's his agent. Cow and Chicken's plane went down, they died in the crash. The band is done. he's lost his best friends. And horse, this breaks him, man. He's been through so much with them, and he feels real down in the dumps. So he takes a walk, and while he's on that walk, he just can't shake the blue, so he figures to himself "Alright, alright. One drink, just to get over it."

So Horse walks into the local bar. Bartender looks at him and says "Hey. Why the long face?"

[Skub]

We used to call those 'a shaggy dog story'.

[636mick]

I read that sitting on the loo. Just saying!!
Mick

[KungFooBob]

A cartoon...

[Taipan]

[slowsider]

Police have yet to identify the man who fell from the 4th story of the local nightclub last night, but all they can say is he wasn’t a bouncer.