Jokes Thread

[636mick]

Someone has nicked my trainers and my hi-viz reflective jacket!!! You can run, but you can’t hide!

[gremlin]

To the person who nicked my glasses.


I have contacts. I will find you.

[derek badger]

When you're 100 you get a letter from the Queen.
When you're 16 you get a text from Prince Andrew.

[Wreckless Rat]

Took the mrs to see Planet of the Apes last night. Wow what a rigmaroll, tickets on phone, wear a mask, don't wear a mask when eating or drinking. Social distancing, one way system for entry, exiting.

On top of all that the Mrs spent most of the evening signing autographs!

[Saga Lout]

Pit stop

[gremlin]

I walked into a hairdressing salon in Newcastle at the weekend, I said to the lady, 'Can I get a perm?'
She replied, 'Why, aye, Pet....'I wandered, lonely as a cloud....'

[slowsider]

'learnly' surely ?

[derek badger]

[wheelnut]

I spotted an albino dalmation the other day.

I thought it was the least I could do.

[wheelnut]

The wage gap is a myth.

After much research it has been discovered men just tend to go for higher paid job, like doctor, engineer, and CEO. Whereas women tend to go for jobs that are much lower paid, like female doctor, female engineer and female CEO.

They say a woman's work is never done. I thought that's why they got paid less.

[wheelnut]

A woman on her deathbed,called her husband and asked him to open a box from under the bed.
Inside he found 3 eggs and £7,000 in cash.
"What are the eggs for?" asks the husband.
She replied "Every time we had crap sex,I would put an egg in the box"
"Not bad"says the husband,"3 eggs in 35 years, and the cash"?
She replies"Everytime I got a dozen I sold them"

[The Martian]

I've just read a book cover to cover for the first time in ages; "adventures of an immortal dog" I just couldn't put it down.

[derek badger]

One for Yorick...

[Yorick]

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.
The florist’s son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.
The candy-store owner’s daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.
Then the liquor-store owner’s son brought up a big, heavy box.
The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
“Is it wine?” she guessed.

“No,” the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, ”Champagne?

“No,” said the little boy… “It’s a puppy!”

[JackyJoll]

[Yorick]

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, ‘Top of’ the mornin’ To you! Aren't you Mrs. Donovan And didn’t I marry you and your Husband two years ago?’
She replied, ‘Aye, that you did, Father.’
The Father asked, ‘And be there Any wee little ones yet?’
She replied, ‘No, not yet, Father.’
The Father said, ‘Well now, I’m going to Rome next week And I’ll light a fertility candle for you And your husband.’
She replied, ‘Oh, thank you, Father…’ They then parted ways..
Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, ‘Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are you these days?’
She replied, ‘Oh, very well, Father!’
The Father asked, ‘And tell me , Have you any wee ones yet?’
She replied, ‘Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles, Ten in all!’
The Father said, ‘That’s wonderful!
And how is your loving husband doing?’
She replied, ‘He’s gone to Rome to blow out your fookin’ candle!

[Yorick]

IMG-20200910-WA0009.jpg (83.08 KiB) Viewed 1933 times

[Yorick]

IMG-20200106-WA0000.jpg (205.39 KiB) Viewed 1892 times

[IOU0]

[The Martian]

Haha, I've just stolen all of your laxatives.

I shit you not!