Jokes Thread

[MingtheMerciless]

1F8C9E04-20AF-4D41-AE03-293CD4BDBC3F.jpeg (1005.05 KiB) Viewed 475 times

[JackyJoll]

From two days ago:

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-60557073

Meerkat ads pulled over Ukraine war sensitivities

[Taipan]

[MingtheMerciless]

Keeps popping up on my FB feed:

'Busy?' Dave asked.
Death let out a long weary sigh.
'I'm always busy.'
'How do you find the time to do it all?'
'Time is relative. In fact, he's my cousin. Who owes me money.'
'Time travel?'
'It's not time travel as such. It's more that I exist simultaneously at all points in time. Or something. I wasn't really paying attention. Quantum physics was put together on a Friday afternoon. That's why humanity will never figure it out. Some of the bits are the wrong way round.'

How to be dead, books 1-3 by Dave Turner

[gremlin]

Keeps popping up on my FB feed:

'Busy?' Dave asked.
Death let out a long weary sigh.
'I'm always busy.'
'How do you find the time to do it all?'
'Time is relative. In fact, he's my cousin. Who owes me money.'
'Time travel?'
'It's not time travel as such. It's more that I exist simultaneously at all points in time. Or something. I wasn't really paying attention. Quantum physics was put together on a Friday afternoon. That's why humanity will never figure it out. Some of the bits are the wrong way round.'

How to be dead, books 1-3 by Dave Turner

Where's the punchline?

[David]

Keeps popping up on my FB feed:

'Busy?' Dave asked.
Death let out a long weary sigh.
'I'm always busy.'
'How do you find the time to do it all?'
'Time is relative. In fact, he's my cousin. Who owes me money.'
'Time travel?'
'It's not time travel as such. It's more that I exist simultaneously at all points in time. Or something. I wasn't really paying attention. Quantum physics was put together on a Friday afternoon. That's why humanity will never figure it out. Some of the bits are the wrong way round.'

How to be dead, books 1-3 by Dave Turner

Where's the punchline?

Read the original by one T. Pratchett..........

[Trinity765]

Keeps popping up on my FB feed:

'Busy?' Dave asked.
Death let out a long weary sigh.
'I'm always busy.'
'How do you find the time to do it all?'
'Time is relative. In fact, he's my cousin. Who owes me money.'
'Time travel?'
'It's not time travel as such. It's more that I exist simultaneously at all points in time. Or something. I wasn't really paying attention. Quantum physics was put together on a Friday afternoon. That's why humanity will never figure it out. Some of the bits are the wrong way round.'

How to be dead, books 1-3 by Dave Turner

Where's the punchline?

Read the original by one T. Pratchett..........

I thought it was 42.

[David]

Where's the punchline?

Read the original by one T. Pratchett..........

I thought it was 42.

According to Douglas Adams

[JackyJoll]

[KungFooBob]

I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

[rodbargee]

loved the old Barry Crier gag
wife to Hubby
does my bum look big in this dress
Hubby to wife
Well to be fair dear, it is a very! small bathroom.

[JackyJoll]

loved the old Barry Crier gag
wife to Hubby
does my bum look big in this dress
Hubby to wife
Well to be fair dear, it is a very! small bathroom.

I need that explained to me.

[rodbargee]

loved the old Barry Crier gag
wife to Hubby
does my bum look big in this dress
Hubby to wife
Well to be fair dear, it is a very! small bathroom.

I need that explained to me.

her arse is huge in the bathroom too never mind the dress hubby spoke truth to power. very yarkshire innit

[JackyJoll]

loved the old Barry Crier gag
wife to Hubby
does my bum look big in this dress
Hubby to wife
Well to be fair dear, it is a very! small bathroom.

I need that explained to me.

her arse is huge in the bathroom too never mind the dress hubby spoke truth to power. very yarkshire innit

What?

[David]

It should read...
"Does my bum look big in this?"

[Count Steer]

Does this make my bum look big?

No dear, it's all the cake that does that.

[gremlin]

Or the one about the wife who wanted a breast enlargement.

'Just rub toilet paper between them', says the husband

'Will that make them bigger, then?' asks the wife.

'Well it seems to have made your arse a fucking site bigger over the years', replies the husband.

[Jody]

Does this make my bum look big?

No dear, it's all the cake that does that.

No dear, your bum makes your bum look big, those jeans are doing everything in their power to make your bum look small but it's just too much for them !

[JackyJoll]

It should read...
"Does my bum look big in this?"

I would have got that!

[Trinity765]